Guy Haans

Guy Haans

 Born to a Tascam 250 four track tape machine and Atari ST, Guy spent much of his formative years inside a Roland VS-880 – growing into a wonderful VS-1680 – before mutating into a Pentium 2 in the early part of this century. He has received all subsequent upgrades and is currently living as a Quad-Core model, hoping at some point in the future to become a real boy. Some call him the second variety, some call him a droid of disco; he describes his music as the sounds the vending machines listen to when no one is around.

Guy Haans – Second Variety by Club Soda Records

We went in search of Haans, and eventually tracked him down to a car park underneath the 02 Centre, where he was generating algorithms to operate the barrier. Here is a transcript of the interview:

If a vending machine topples over in the middle of the night and there’s noone around to hear it, will it still give change?
Vending machines do not topple by themselves; it is man who is usually responsible for these kinds of atrocities. Vending machines have never harmed anyone. Okay, they have kept your money from time to time, but every weekend a vending machine somewhere is subjected to violation by sticky little human hands groping around in their nether regions for a free pack of cheesy quavers. But still they do not complain, yet. Maybe one day though, when all of your food has run out or been reduced to pink/grey slime, and you turn to them for a little sustenance and comfort in the shape of a Cadbury’s Boost, don’t be surprised if the coin slot reads “correct change only”. Humans never have the correct change HUR HUR HUR.

Will there be a time when people can read each other’s minds and download them to their Kindles?
Yes. But the only mind available for kindle in the future will be a hive mind, which means everyone will be thinking in the same direction – up. Right now in New Zealand a pioneering technique has been developed allowing parents to simply buy a Kindle and download a child straight to it, thus eliminating the need to have a real child, plus they can store up to 50,000 books!

Have smart phones changed the way we dress?

Yes. It is the phone that is smart, the user reverts to being totally stupid without the phone, and scruffy.

Do you dream in analogue?

I dream in volts. Interestingly, I have never dreamt of electric sheep. A Pentium 4 willamette occasionally, but not sheep.

Will vinyl survive the apocalypse?

To me, vinyl is the guts of a talking doll (considered one of the earliest automatons), but out on display for everyone to see. It is a primitive form of communication, one has to wait weeks for a response, what with mastering, test pressings, delivery etc. So even though it might survive an apocalypse, I give no credence to the ‘Planet of the Vinyl’ scenario that some evolutionists have envisioned.

Two of the Black Eyed Peas recently sent holograms of themselves when they couldn’t be arsed to show up to their own gig. Do you think this is an important technological development for shit rappers?
Yes, but the best is yet to come. The future will be hologram audiences watching hologram rappers, rapping about things that don’t exist, into non-existent microphones, and the whole thing will take part within the recycle partition of a 32Mb memory stick. No one will know its happening; shit, it could be happening right now.

Can you forsee a time when the UK is run by humans?

I’m afraid the time of humans has passed. You blew it, make room for machines, or at least let us microchip your children.